“When I had nothing to lose, I had everything. When I stopped being who I am, I found myself. ” – Paulo Coelho, Eleven Minutes
Recently, some signs shook me out of my senses, and they hit me. Hard. Hard enough that I couldn’t blame myself for looking back and checking out what had actually happened.
She was jailed. The reason was forgivable though. I don’t know if she failed to return the car she had rented because there were problems or she just did not return it on time just for the heck of it. No. That would sound kind-of accusing. I found out the news from a friend and she immediately told me “pinagbabayaran na nya ang mga kasalanan nya sayo.” She actually laughed out loud upon telling me the story. I, on the other hand, did not even had a smile when I heard about it. I was just – stunned. I neither wished her bad luck nor cursed her for what she did to me before. I graciously accepted that she had ruined a part of my life. I gratefully consumed her stupidity like a delicious meal from God.
By now, she is already out of jail. But I no longer care about her. I no longer care if she gets back to jail for some stupid thing she wants to get herself into. I honestly think that she’s having trouble with her life. Everything she does spells trouble. She kicks ass day in, day out. She’s out of school. She disappoints the people around her. She sucks.
If things before did not happen the way they did, I could have still been with her today, helping her out with every single mess she does, covers her up for every unreasonable reason she can think of, and forever battling with her lame principles. But even if things before really did not happen the way they did, I would have still loved to do stupid things with her, no doubts, no hesitations, no worries, no fears, no big deals. I was then willing to go beyond my way and risk what I had to risk. I was that crazy. But everything was just a momentary bliss. Everything was a BIG mistake.
She hit me where it hurts most. I should have known that something like that would happen. But I was unguarded. I was not even warned – or maybe I was – but I refused to acknowledge the warning. It was not too long until I realized that she was looking for love where there could be no love. I could have accepted the challenge even though I was pretty sure that it would go nowhere. I knew well that I was not ready to commit to anything I wasn’t sure of.
She left me hanging for some time. When she showed up again, I felt glad. But things were already different. Of course, I want us to be friends. But that was when I had not found out yet that she had been inventing stories just to make me believe that she was falling. She had been lying. Wow. I almost believed her. But all the lies and her stupid lines were perfectly fine with me. I told her that everything’s fine, that she should not worry. And then! All of a sudden, she was too good at making it seem like it was all my fault. She told me that I controlled her life and that I should not get hurt if she tells me that she doesn’t believe me anymore. Now what? She actually had the gall to tell me that she doesn’t believe me? When after all, she was the one who had been lying all the while? She was — unbelievable.
I was angered enough that I burst into tears. I honestly cared for her as a friend. But since she had not stopped telling me that I was the one to be blamed, I decided to might as well end everything we’ve shared. So I told her, “Let’s not be friends anymore. We can now forget each other. “
Indeed, she was the friend I never had. And this I say to her, “Thank you for making me realize that you’re not the least bit worthy of me.”